Sow, It Grows
We were at Harold’s niece’s wedding last week, where there was a caricature artist, so we got our portraits done. Harold said to me “you could do that!” (not that I need another job, just that I had the skill) and I had to correct him because no I fucking couldn’t! Like all art, caricature art, in and of itself is a developed skill, which I have zero interest in developing. It’s not just “drawing live on an iPad”, it’s extremely skilled and social, and I can’t imagine anything worse for me! But this artist, Cesar, was very good, and he does weddings, so if you need someone like that in Ontario, Canada, I guess reach out to him!
It was a really beautiful day, with good food and good company, and I got to bring home two bud vase centrepieces, which I seem to be collecting in all shapes because they look best on my desk. I just recycled my dress from Madison’s wedding for this wedding since this would be an all new audience and I wouldn’t be in any official photos. 🤷🏼♀️
Life in general lately has been pretty peaceful & just good. This weekend, we went to a rope jam in Muskoka, that took place in a woodland park, so while I wasn’t being tied, I walked around and took photos of the flora, a lot of which was in full spring bloom. The photo of forget-me-nots at the top of this post is one of them. I had NO IDEA that some forget-me-nots had white centers and some had yellow centers until I took a photo of them with a macro lens! It felt good to use my camera after pretty much forgetting it existed for a really long time.
I stopped taking photos with my camera because beyond documenting my own life for posts like these, I can’t do much with them. The stock photo market is beyond saturated and I don’t want to have to keep track of tiny income trickles on all of those platforms, nor do I want to take it seriously enough to work on making those income trickles into creeks.
I was really enjoying doing photo shoots with other people, but then Harold moved in and his passions took over the studio space: namely, there’s a huge St. Andrew’s Cross and a tonne of guitars and music equipment in there now. No room for photo shoots or for doing what I wanted to do with the space, which was “Camp Camgirl”.
👸🏼 Camp Camgirl 🤳
“Camp Camgirl” was my post-divorce dream and idea. I was going to offer a multi-day workshop to educate women on the various adult cam & content sites, and the actual work it takes to have a career in the online adult entertainment industry vs the rewards. We would also shoot several pic sets and behind-the-scenes content, and, if they still wanted to proceed, I would help them get set up on the adult sites they’d do best on. I was even going to provide meals and have a bonfire for my guests, and was contemplating the logistics of holding their hands and supporting them through their first webcam broadcasts.
But…
…that was in 2021, when I was freshly divorced, Harold and I were in a poly relationship, and we were living by ourselves in separate houses. I expected to have to keep myself occupied and serving both my kink and camgirl communities this way seemed like the best use of my space, free time, and skills.
Since that dream had to die, in exchange for another one – Harold full-time – I had to pivot and focus on other, concurrent dreams, namely: SunnyGrrrl, the Camgirl Museum, and the camgirl memoir I’m half-working on and gearing up to do hardcore writing on when the months go dark and cold again.
Pretty much 100% of my time free time these days is spent gardening, writing, updating my sites and Patreon, social commitments, FetLife, and spending a few days in the Sims Bunker playing video games between those things to slow down my ADHD brain from burning out from wanting to endlessly “produce, produce, produce”. Things seem so good and balanced right now that I worry it’s unsustainable. Almost 20 years post manic psychosis and I’m still a bit afraid of being happy. 😕
I weeded my ENTIRE front garden one day last week, pretty much entirely by myself, while my friend Charm, who is disabled, played video games on her Switch on my porch and acted as moral support. It makes for an awful visual, me slaving in the dirt, pulling 600 weeds and lugging leaf bags to the curb while she lounged, but she actually served a critical role because I hate being in my front yard by myself. People walking their dogs talk to me and people driving by honk at me, which I hate, because I never know who they are. I’ve gotten too many e-mails and comments over the years, from followers who were visiting Wasaga Beach and recognized my house on the way there from me posting it on the internet so many times, with my street number on full display.
I’ve never hidden the fact that I live in Elmvale, or 10 mins from Wasaga Beach. I love my little town, and I post from and about the beach so much that it seemed too obvious of a fact to try hiding. I doubted anyone would actually stalk me or be nefarious about it because I don’t think in general people are like that. Plus, most of the people who follow me are very unmotivated to even go see a movie in a theatre starring a truly famous person, so I’ve always doubted anyone making any big efforts for me. I’m also not a very desirable stalker target because I’m so easy to find and I give so much of myself to the internet, that there’s just not a lot left to take or get out of me. I did not expect a Drive-By Internet Fan Club™ and it freaks me out, but it’s too late now! There are hundreds of photos of my house cached all over the internet! And now some locals have started honking just to be friendly too, which makes it worse because I never know which is which!
My therapist asked me once why couldn’t “getting rockignized” be a pleasurable thing for me, and I still don’t have an answer. It’s probably imposter syndrome, being honest. Maybe me IRL can’t live up to the “Sunny from the internet” persona that they’ve assigned and projected onto me. Maybe I’m just super socially awkward and hate feeling observed unless it’s on my own terms. Maybe I feel like “Sunny from the internet” puts her guts online, so IRL Sunny deserves some peace and privacy. Maybe it’s none of that or all of that, I dunno, but that’s why I needed Charm’s moral support to weed my front garden, I just feel really vulnerable, exposed and gawked at out there in a physical way.
(And now that I’ve posted about the honking and said it “out loud” I’m positive it’ll just happen more often. It happens every time I complain or explain about any semblance of “fame” I have, it’s like internet karma. 🤷🏼♀️😬 Honestly though? If you feel the need to honk, pretty much no matter who you are local or from the internet, I’d rather you refrain and keep driving, or stop, identify yourself and actually say “hello”, than honk at me like you’re banging on the glass at the zoo. 🦄)
Anywaaaay, I got the garden weeded and sowed my cosmos and bachelor’s buttons seeds! Harold’s been keeping them watered! Team work makes the dream work! So grooooow little seedlings! 🌸
